


The Ninth Gate in 15 Minutes

by Kadorienne



Category: The Ninth Gate
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-20
Updated: 2010-01-20
Packaged: 2017-10-06 12:33:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/53746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kadorienne/pseuds/Kadorienne





	The Ninth Gate in 15 Minutes

INT. SOME RICH GUY'S APARTMENT

JOHNNY DEPP  
I am a rare book dealer and a totally unsympathetic character. I smoke while handling books worth thousands of dollars. I will give you $4000 for this copy of Don Quixote and then sell it to some other sucker for way way more than that.

AUDIENCE  
You know, you can get an e-text of it for free on the Internet.

JOHNNY DEPP  
Shh.

FEMALE &amp; GAY MALE AUDIENCE  
Ooo, it's Johnny! He is so cute and brooding!

JOHNNY DEPP  
Even playing a scarred pasty guy with knives for hands didn't destroy my pretty boy image. Can't we do something to make me look bad so people will think I'm a serious actor?

WARDROBE PEOPLE  
OK, we'll go nerdy. Here's some glasses.

DEPP puts on the glasses.

FEMALE &amp; GAY MALE AUDIENCE  
Ooo, glasses! Johnny is so cute!

JOHNNY DEPP  
Crap.

 

INT. SOME RICH GUY'S OFFICE.

FRANK LANGELLA  
I played Dracula. I am creepy. I am a corrupt businessman obsessed with Satan. Work for me. You can trust me.

JOHNNY DEPP  
OK.

FRANK LANGELLA  
Do you believe in the supernatural? Black magic? The Devil? Nudge nudge wink wink.

AUDIENCE  
Whoa, that's subtle. I'm sure he isn't going to try to raise the Devil or anything.

ROMAN POLANSKI  
What do you expect? All my movies foreshadow with a sledgehammer.

 

DEPP leaves a Satanic book with another BOOK GUY.

 

INT. DEPP'S SCUZZY APARTMENT

JOHNNY DEPP  
I've played a character who cries, a character who faints, and a character who wears dresses. What else can I do that's sissified?

LENA OLIN  
You could let me beat you up.

JOHNNY DEPP  
OK. First let me drop my pants so the women and gay men in the audience can hope to see my butt.

He does. Lena Olin beats him up.

FEMALE &amp; GAY MALE AUDIENCE  
Aww, we wanted to see Johnny's butt.

INT. BOOKSTORE WITH THE AMBIENCE OF AN OPIUM DEN.

The BOOK GUY who has the SATANIC BOOK gets murdered. This should not lead anyone to suspect that the Satanic book will give you powers.

DEPP has to walk past the BOOK GUY's dead body.

JOHNNY DEPP  
Oh, ick.  
(makes faces)  
Yuck. Ick. A body. I'm ill.

AUDIENCE  
This is not Sleepy Hollow! We loved Ichabod Crane, but play another character this time!

DEPP goes to Europe where there are Satanists everywhere because this movie is directed by Roman Polanski.

 

INT. EUROPE

WEIRD ELDERLY TWINS  
Heh heh, this book was written by the Devil. Hee hee hee hee.

JOHNNY DEPP  
There is no such thing as a Headless Horseman, I mean the Devil.

WEIRD ELDERLY TWINS  
Hee hee hee hee.

They get cigarette ashes on the million dollar book.

DEPP leaves the TWINS. As he is leaving, some scaffolding or something almost falls on him.

AUDIENCE  
Whoa, that is spooky. Um...what does it have to do with anything?

 

INT. SOMEWHERE ELSE IN EUROPE.

DEPP goes to see another Satanist.

SATANIC BARONESS  
There is going to be a big Satanic orgy very soon.

AUDIENCE  
Oh, goody!

SATANIC BARONESS  
Don't smoke when you're handling priceless rare books, you idiot!

JOHNNY DEPP  
Oh, good idea.

The Satanic Baroness is killed and her place set on fire.

AUDIENCE  
Hey, from the trailers I thought the fire was supposed to be caused by something supernatural. When is the supernatural stuff going to happen?

JOHNNY DEPP  
Frank, I think you are killing people and framing me for their murders.

FRANK LANGELLA  
Notice that I make no attempt to deny this. Keep working for me.

JOHNNY DEPP  
OK.

 

INT. TRAIN. TRAINS ARE VERY EUROPEAN AND MAKE US FEEL LIKE WE'RE ON JUNIOR YEAR ABROAD.

DEPP is being followed by EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR.

EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR  
I am Satanic. You can tell because I have blonde hair and black eyebrows.

JOHNNY DEPP  
Who are you? Why are you following me? Why don't you bleach your eyebrows too?

EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR  
Sorry, but I answer questions evasively so the audience will find me mysterious. Also, I am imperturbable. Everyone but you has already figured out that I have supernatural powers of some kind. I've decided to follow you around and occasionally help you out of trouble.

JOHNNY DEPP  
Why would you want to help an unsympathetic character like me?

EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR  
If I explained, I wouldn't be mysterious anymore.

JOHNNY DEPP  
OK, I trust you. Would you mind beating me up? That's my sissy thing for this movie.

EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR  
Why not wear eyeliner instead?

JOHNNY DEPP  
I did that in Don Juan DeMarco.

EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR  
OK.

She beats him up.

JOHNNY DEPP  
Thanks. I'm going to look for the people who stole the Satanic book from me. Want to come with me?

EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR  
What will you do if you find them?

JOHNNY DEPP  
Probably hide behind you, like I did behind Christina Ricci and that ten-year-old boy in Sleepy Hollow.

AUDIENCE  
Stop that! THIS IS NOT SLEEPY HOLLOW!

 

INT. SATANIC ORGY SITE.

AUDIENCE  
Oh, goody! Satanic orgy coming up!

The ORGY is just about to start when FRANK LANGELLA walks in, steals the Satanic book and strangles the High Priestess. Her 50 Satanic friends stand there and do nothing, because that is what movie Satanists always do when their Black Masses are interrupted.

AUDIENCE  
What, no orgy?

JOHNNY and EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR run outside. There are a lot of Satanists running around panicking, but we don't find out why because we follow JOHNNY who is following FRANK LANGELLA.

AUDIENCE  
Oh, this must be where all the supernatural stuff in the trailer comes in.

FRANK LANGELLA sets fire to stuff.

AUDIENCE  
That's it? The movie's almost over. When does the supernatural stuff happen?

JOHNNY DEPP  
I now believe in the supernatural, even though nothing supernatural has happened during this movie.

JOHNNY and EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR have wild sex and she looks like she's turning into a demon.

AUDIENCE  
That happened in Conan.

JOHNNY DEPP  
What is the secret of how to raise the Devil and get cool powers?

EMANUELLE SEIGNEUR  
You have to have the Devil's baby.

JOHNNY DEPP  
That's too sissified even for me.


End file.
